Strange, isn't it, how there is nothing like the mirthless, wasp-chewing tone of Authority for reducing the rest of us to smirks?
Take, for example, the sign attached to a gate in Ainslie Place Gardens.
'SOME DOG,' it begins in self-important capitals, 'IS CAUSING CONSIDERABLE DAMAGE TO THE LAWNS IN THESE GARDENS BY DIGGING HOLES IN THE GRASS'.
That is what dogs do, like squirrels, moles, warthogs, tram contractors and small children. It is considered normal behaviour in many places.
'THIS IS UNSIGHTLY, POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS AND TIME CONSUMING TO REPAIR.'
Well, unsightly, possibly, if you are the kind of person who likes your lawns to resemble your billiard tables; but potentially dangerous and time consuming to repair? Just how big are these holes? Is it really such a perilous and lengthy process to push the spoil heaps back in from a safe distance using the very tip of one's welly?
[img_assist|nid=2709|title=|desc=|link=node|align=right|width=200|height=150]'IF YOU ARE AWARE YOUR DOG IS DOING THIS, PLEASE TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TO STOP IT.'
Go on, you know you want to – if you see your dog wasting time and risking injury to itself by making repairs, give it a health-and-safety lecture followed by a damn good thrashing.
'IF YOU TAKE YOUR DOG OUT AFTER DARK, PLEASE WATCH CAREFULLY TO ENSURE IT IS NOT YOUR DOG CAUSING THE DAMAGE.'
Tell-tail signs can include: (a) your animal leaving the front door wearing a miner's helmet; (b) your animal asking you to throw spades for it but then not returning them.
'ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS DAMAGE WOULD BE HELPFUL.'
In other words: there is only the whispiest tissue of evidence to suggest the involvement of a dog, and the author of this abominably pompous squib has no other leads to go on.
Who, you may wonder, would consider putting their name to such coffin-dust, hole-fixated nonsense? The appropriately named –
'Whitelaw Wells, 9 Ainslie Place, 226 5822'
– a most respectable firm of chartered accountants, relenting from its earlier use of capital letters with a vinegary pursing of lower-case lips.
This weekend, take a walk in Edinburgh's West End. It will make you glad you live elsewhere.