NO DIRECTION

There I am taking a quiet stroll on Calton Hill one lukewarm spring day, when I am interrupted by some confused-looking tourists. 

‘Excuse me,' asks one of the them. 'Where is the Castle?’ 

I seem to be the go-to person in Edinburgh for directing tourists. Perhaps they think I’m approachable and reliable. Contrary to popular belief, I actually don’t mind being asked for directions. However, terms and conditions do apply:

1. Don’t go the wrong way after receiving my directions.
2. Don’t go and ask someone else for better directions if you don’t understand me.
3. No additional small talk.

I'm always pleased that tourists recognise me as a resident rather than a fellow tourist. It’s probably because of my constant scowl. 

The problem with being asked for directions is that I always worry that I’m giving the wrong information. In my own mind, I’ll instantly construct the quickest route. One that for me would miss tourist hotspots, bus stop overspills and pedestrian crossings where the lights change only once a fortnight. My route is probably longer and more complicated to explain but it will get you there in the shortest amount of time. 

I pointed out the Castle to the lost tourists and I give them simple directions on how to get there. I thought to myself that I had provided expert and precise information. A simple and effective route which dealt with some of the issues that I’d like to avoid if I were in their place. I was pleased with myself. 

After a while I began the descent back to Broughton, but when I reached Royal Terrace I noticed the two tourists that I’d given directions to earlier. One was pointing towards Easter Road, the other back up towards the Observatory.

Had they misunderstood my advice? Did they have errands to run before heading to the Esplanade? 

They noticed me and started to approach. 

‘Please can you help us?’ asked the first of them. ‘We asked some idiot for directions to the Castle and she sent us down here.’

Some idiot?

She?

They were the ones who went the wrong way when I had given knowledgeable and exhaustive guidance. I pointed towards Leith Walk.

‘Carry on along there until you reach the end,’ I said. ‘You’ll soon see the Castle.’

They thanked me and continued on their merry way.

Did I feel guilty? Not at all. I hear the Kirkgate’s lovely at this time of year.

You can read more musings from the Left-Handed Tea Drinker by visiting thelefthandedteadrinker.wordpress.com.