Unreliable Geographies by Aeneas McHaar
No. 8: Gayfield Park, Arbroath, Scotland
2º 35’ W, 56º 33’ N
Gayfield Park is the home of Arbroath Football Club and – possibly because in all Europe it is the closest ground to the sea (16ft from the high tide line) – reputedly the coldest place on Earth at which to watch football.
It has a capacity of 6,488 but only 714 seats, meaning that lucky spectators in the East, Seaforth and Harbour terraces may jump up and down energetically to maintain life.
Currently languishing in the Scottish Second Division, the club formed in 1878 and holds the distinction of having beaten Aberdeen Bon Accord 36–0 during the Scottish Cup of August 1885.
This record winning score in a competitive match was made possible by the opposition having no proper kit (they were a cricket team, presumably encumbered by boxes and leg pads and being rooted to the spot by hypothermia).
One Arbroath centre forward scored 13 times, a further 7 goals were disallowed to keep the score ‘respectable’, and the undisturbed Arbroath goalkeeper spent much of the match sheltering under an umbrella borrowed from the crowd.
Today’s Arbroath Soccer Crew (would-be hooligans almost certainly too chilled to cause trouble) rejoice in the following song, which – after a slow start presumably intended to appeal to possible employers among insurance agents – has an unexpectedly brilliant last line:
Bootboys are we:
We take a pride in
Our mental thuggery.
We take all precautions,
Avoid all the risks
Cos we are the Arbroath Boys.
Let's go, Let's go, Let's go,
Naa, naa, naa, naa, naa, naa, naa, naa:
Three hatchets in yer heid!
One hatchet would have been understandable. Two, possibly tasteless. But three – suggesting who knows what peculiar subset of 'mental thuggery' – is quite inspired.
Their greatest and unpublishable scorn is reserved for Montrose FC, but they will cautiously commit insurable assaults on much larger clubs anywhere in the world. Spurtle applauds their ambition and fearlessness in the face of absolutely no chance of frightening anybody.
Arbroath supporters are referred to as ‘Red Lichties’ – or just ‘Lichties’ – by those locals unable to open their mouths wide in the teeth of a gale – partly with reference to the light which was once kept in the Roond O tower of the Abbey, just north of Gayfield, to attract seamen to port.
It may also refer to the prematch practice of curing haddock over a red-hot brazier before slipping them into trouser pockets as hand warmers. Now iconic Arbroath items, it is little known that only during the late 1940s were 'smokies' first sold to visiting fans who, mistaking their purpose, began eating them.
Since 1975, three generations of the O’Brien family have run a fairground and amusement park at Gayfield. It offers indoor activities. Wind and waterproof, the business is called Pleasureland.