A SWIFT HALF

On a rare evening outing to the pub, I only had time for a swift half or two and I intended to make the most of it and choose my venue wisely. 

I went to the Cask & Barrel, but was put off by the handwritten list of who was and wasn’t allowed in the premises. No children inside, no children outside, no dogs, no goats, no geese, no gnomes. I was so confused after reading the list that I decided to try elsewhere just in case I was thrown out for not complying.

I headed off to one of my favourite old watering holes: the Cumberland Bar on Cumberland Street. The Cumberland seemed more welcoming, their only stipulation is that due to safety and hygiene rules, dogs must be kept on a lead outside but are free to roam as they please inside. They didn't have a problem with my gnome.

Back in my younger days (about a year ago to be exact), I would regularly visit the Cumberland. Going in there used to be like stepping back in time, and I'm not talking about the clientele. There was no music, no sports and plenty of real ales. But things had changed since my last visit. The grumpy regulars were still there but there was a change in the usual atmosphere. They were playing music. What had happened to the place that I once knew and loved? I decided to investigate.

I approached a regular who informed me that the new owners had brought about this change, but as he started to slur and stumble I made my excuses and left him to it before hearing the end of the story. I approached another regular who had a different view entirely. He started off by telling me that the Cumberland’s regular canine visitor, Zara, reminded him of the Durex dog.

‘Don’t you mean Dulux?’ I asked. 

That’s what I said,’ shouted the regular. He suggested that I pay a visit to the bar’s TripAdvisor page – perhaps I would find the answer I was looking for there. 

So I did. There I found a mixture of reviews, all politely replied to by the Cumberland’s manager. Online reviews have entertained me in the past – reading people’s ridiculous complaints about cold mash and the difference between balsamic and malt vinegar is a joyous pastime – but they don’t guide me when making a decision about which restaurant to visit or which hotel to stay in. When I discovered that someone from Glasgow suggested that the bar lacked atmosphere because there was no music, I was ready to complain myself. Was this review the reason why the pub had started playing music?

Perhaps implementing music was always part of the plan; change in this day and age is inevitable until whatever has been got rid of becomes retro and cool again. If it wasn’t part of the plan, then I’m disappointed that the management crumbled when brought to task by a pesky reviewer who isn’t even a regular. Everyone knows that the customer is never right, unless of course I am that particular customer. 

If you're looking for somewhere to shelter from the Festival this summer then the Cumberland’s still a better place than any. It’s a place where grumpy men and women of all ages can drown their sorrows and put the world to rights. If we don’t do it in the pub, then we’ll all end up writing online reviews and, worryingly, people might just start listening.